Newsradio Fan Fiction

ACT ONE Scene One - WNYX Break Room

Dave is sitting at the table, reading the newspaper. Bill enters, carrying a muffin on a plate and a pair of tweezers.

BILL: (dramatically) Ah, David! Witness the culinary torture I must endure this morning.

DAVE: (not looking up from his paper) Bill, what are you doing?

BILL: (inspecting the muffin closely) This alleged "fruit-nut muffin" is a veritable minefield of undesirable elements. Observe! (uses tweezers to remove something) A raisin masquerading as a blueberry. How dare they!

DAVE: (sighs, puts down the paper) You know, Bill, most people just eat around the parts they don't like.

BILL: (gasps) David, please! I'm not some common rabble-rouser. I have standards to maintain.

Matthew bursts into the room, excited

MATTHEW: Hey guys! Guess what? My old Cub Scout troop is having a reunion next weekend at Camp Pinewood!

DAVE: (deadpan) Fascinating, Matthew.

MATTHEW: (oblivious to Dave's sarcasm) I know, right? We're gonna roast marshmallows and everything! Oh, and the best part? I can bring a guest!

BILL: (still focused on his muffin) I'm afraid I'll have to decline, Matthew. I have a very important... (pauses dramatically) muffin decontamination to attend to.

Lisa enters, looking slightly flustered

LISA: Dave, have you seen my Rolodex? I need to find the number for that insufferable PR guy from last week.

DAVE: Clive?

LISA: (surprised) How did you know?

DAVE: Lucky guess. He called earlier, said he'd call back.

LISA: (groans) Great. Just great.

MATTHEW: (still excited) So, who wants to come to Camp Pinewood with me? We'll sing campfire songs, tell ghost stories, and learn how to tie knots!

DAVE: Matthew, I think I'd rather—

The phone rings

DAVE: (relieved) Oh, thank god. (answers phone) WNYX, Dave Nelson speaking.

LISA: (to Bill) So, what's the deal with this muffin surgery?

BILL: Lisa, my dear, this is not surgery. This is art. The art of curating the perfect bite.

MATTHEW: (to Lisa) Hey, you wanna come to my Cub Scout reunion?

LISA: (sarcastically) Oh, gee, Matthew. I'd love to, but I have to... wash my hair. For the entire weekend.

DAVE: (hangs up phone, turns to Lisa) That was Stuart. He wants to meet for drinks at 6:30.

LISA: (groans) Ugh, why did I ever agree to that "if we're both single in five years" pact?

BILL: (gasps dramatically) Lisa! You were betrothed?

LISA: It was a moment of weakness. He had great hair and a trust fund. But the man had the ambition of a sloth on Valium.

DAVE: (matter-of-factly) Just be honest with him, Lisa. Tell him you're not interested.

MATTHEW: (still trying) Come on, guys! Camp Pinewood! We could earn our "Identifying Poison Ivy" badges!

DAVE: (sighs heavily) Fine, Matthew. I'll go to your Cub Scout reunion.

MATTHEW: (overjoyed) Yes! Oh, this is gonna be great! I'll go call Scoutmaster Steve! (runs out excitedly)

DAVE: (to himself) What have I done?

BILL: (finally takes a bite of his meticulously curated muffin, then spits it out) Good lord! It's stale!

Fade to black

style:

NEXT IN THE REPERTORY, "COSI FAN TUSHY"

Scene Two - WNYX

Bill is wrapping up his radio slot, speaking into the microphone with his characteristic bombastic style.

BILL: And thus concludes our exposé on the city's new recycling initiative. Remember, my dear listeners, if you're unsure which bin to use, simply toss everything into the trash and wallow in the exquisite guilt of your environmental negligence. This is Bill McNeal, the voice that caresses your eardrums, WNYX, 585 AM.

Bill dramatically removes his headphones as Matthew bursts into the booth, his usual nervous energy on full display.

MATTHEW: Bill! Bill! You've got to help me! It's a matter of life and death! Or worse – dinner with Bonnie Weems!

BILL: (with theatrical disdain) Matthew, how many times must I tell you? I don't solve petty problems; I create them.

Dave enters the booth, looking exasperated.

DAVE: What's going on here? Matthew, why aren't you at your desk?

MATTHEW: Dave! Thank god you're here. The Auto Lady invited me to another one of her culinary catastrophes. Last time, I'm pretty sure my steak tried to run away. I need an alibi!

DAVE: (sighing) Have you considered just telling her the truth?

MATTHEW: (gasps dramatically) Dave! I'm shocked you'd even suggest such a thing!

BILL: (scoffing) The truth? How painfully pedestrian, David.

Lisa enters, coffee mug in hand, eyeing the scene suspiciously.

LISA: What's going on? Is Matthew trying to get out of Bonnie's dinner party again?

MATTHEW: (defensively) I'll have you know I have very important plans that night. (beat) Bill and I are going to the opera.

BILL: (insulted) The opera? With you? I'd sooner attend a monster truck rally with a pack of howler monkeys!

DAVE: (rubbing his temples) Matthew, just tell Bonnie you can't make it. And Bill, isn't it time for your noon narcissism break?

BILL: (checking his watch) By Jove, you're right! I can't keep my reflection waiting.

Bill exits dramatically.

MATTHEW: (deflating) Oh well. I suppose I could always fake my own death...

LISA: (rolling her eyes) Or you could just say no like a normal person.

MATTHEW: (brightening) Lisa! You're a genius! I'll say I'm dead, and then show up to work the next day as my own twin brother, Matthias!

Matthew rushes out, leaving Dave and Lisa staring after him.

DAVE: Sometimes I wonder if he's joking or if we should be concerned.

LISA: (sipping her coffee) With Matthew, it's usually both.

DAVE: By the way, Lisa, did you happen to bring back my—

LISA: (interrupting) Binoculars? Sorry, completely slipped my mind.

DAVE: (suspiciously) Beth didn't use them to spy on that new neighbor again, did you?

BETH: (feigning innocence) Me? Never! I would never use high-powered magnification to watch a stranger work out shirtless in his living room. That would be an invasion of privacy.

DAVE: (dryly) And morally wrong.

LISA: Exactly. (beat) So, how's the view from your office window?

DAVE: Lisa!

LISA: (laughing) Relax, Dave. I'll bring them back tomorrow. (teasing) Unless you need them for some late-night "station security surveillance"?

BETH: (exasperated) Just... bring them back. Please.

Lisa exits, leaving Dave shaking his head and wondering, as he often does, how he ended up managing such an eccentric group of employees.

FADE TO:

Scene Three - Dave's Apartment

Jimmy is excitedly working on a jigsaw puzzle while Dave tries to manage the situation.

JIMMY: (excitedly) Oh boy, a jigsaw puzzle! You know, this reminds me of the time my unit had to piece together a map while under heavy fire. Except instead of cardboard pieces, we used scraps of our uniforms, and instead of a kitten, it was a tactical strike zone!

DAVE: (trying to usher Jimmy out) That's fascinating, Jimmy, but Beth really needs some privacy right now.

JIMMY: (oblivious) Privacy? Nonsense! There's always room for one more! Say, do you think Stuart likes puzzles?

DAVE: (firmly) Jimmy, kitchen. Now.

As Jimmy reluctantly shuffles to the kitchen, the doorbell rings. Beth takes a deep breath, smooths her cardigan, and opens the door to reveal Stuart.

Scene - WNYX Studio

Bill is in his recording booth, finishing up his latest broadcast. Joe is outside, tinkering with some equipment.

BILL: (into the microphone) And that, dear listeners, is why you should never trust a man who wears socks with sandals. This has been Bill McNeal, reminding you that fashion faux pas are the gateway to anarchy. Good day, and good riddance to bad footwear.

Bill dramatically removes his headphones and exits the booth.

BILL: (to Joe) Joseph, my good man! Did you hear my riveting exposé on the dangers of sock-sandal combos?

JOE: (distracted) Uh-huh, sure did, Bill.

BILL: (suspicious) You seem distracted. What nefarious scheme are you concocting with my equipment?

JOE: (sighs) I'm trying to boost the signal strength. Dave's been on my case about our broadcast range.

BILL: (scoffing) Range? Who needs range when you have raw, unfiltered talent such as mine?

JOE: (sarcastically) Yeah, I'm sure your voice can travel through walls and over mountains all on its own.

BILL: (missing the sarcasm) Precisely! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very important lunch date with... myself.

As Bill turns to leave, there's a loud spark from the equipment Joe is working on.

JOE: Uh-oh.

BILL: (turning back) "Uh-oh"? Joseph, I've told you before, "uh-oh" is not a sound I like to hear in my vicinity.

JOE: Well, you might not like this either...

Suddenly, all the lights in the studio flicker and go out. Only the emergency lights remain on.

BILL: (panicking) Good lord! We're under attack! The sock-sandal wearers are retaliating!

JOE: (calmly) Relax, Bill. I think I just overloaded the circuit.

BILL: (dramatically) Overloaded? Joseph, you've doomed us all! How am I supposed to broadcast in these primitive conditions?

JOE: (deadpan) I don't know, Bill. Maybe you could use your raw, unfiltered talent to generate electricity.

BILL: (considering) Hmm, not a bad idea. I'll have you know my charisma once powered a small village in the Andes for a week.

Dave bursts into the studio, looking frantic.

DAVE: What the hell is going on? The whole building just lost power!

JOE: (sheepishly) Sorry, Dave. I was trying to boost the signal and things got a little... zappy.

DAVE: (exasperated) Zappy? Joe, we have a station full of people, including Stuart, and now we're in the dark!

BILL: (excited) Stuart? That uncultured swine who's been monopolizing Lisa's attention? Dave, my boy, this blackout might be just the thing to save your little charade!

DAVE: (confused) What are you talking about, Bill?

BILL: (with a mischievous grin) Think about it. A dark, mysterious atmosphere... the perfect setting for ghostly sounds and unexplained phenomena. We could scare Stuart right out of the station!

JOE: (perking up) Hey, yeah! I've got some sound effects we could use. And I can rig up some spooky lighting with the emergency power.

DAVE: (considering) I don't know... it seems a bit childish.

BILL: (puts his arm around Dave) David, David, David. When have I ever steered you wrong?

DAVE: (deadpan) You really want me to answer that?

BILL: The point is, desperate times call for desperate measures. And if those measures happen to involve a little theatrical flair, well... that's just good radio.

JOE: I'm in if you are, Dave.

DAVE: (sighing) Fine. But if this goes wrong, I'm blaming both of you.

BILL: (gleefully) Excellent! Now, let Operation Spook-the-Stuffy-Stuart commence!

As they huddle to plan their scheme, the lights flicker ominously, setting the stage for more chaos to unfold.

Scene Four - WNYX Break Room

The situation resumes with Dave and Lisa in the break room, where Lisa has just introduced Dave as her "husband" to Stuart, her old flame from years ago.

STUART: Six months? Well, you two are practically newlyweds.

LISA: Yes, we're still at that honeymoon stage. It's sickening, really. (kisses Dave)

DAVE: (awkwardly playing along) Revolting! (kisses her back) Positively stomach-turning! (He tries to kiss again but she pulls away)

STUART: I should be going.

DAVE: (managerial instincts kicking in) No! I mean, we are so enjoying having you here. Right, honey?

LISA: I did promise you a drink.

STUART: Oh. Well, I suppose I could stay for a bit.

LISA: Oh! (to Dave:) Darling, would you give me a hand in the kitchen, please?

DAVE: Certainly, my angel.

Dave follows Lisa into the kitchen, where she starts to pour drinks.

LISA: Dave, I'm so sorry. It seemed like the kindest way to let him down. I didn't mean to put you in an awkward position. (opens fridge and bends over to get something from the bottom shelf)

DAVE: (trying to maintain professionalism) When it comes to you, no position is… (turns around, coming face to face with her backside) too awkward. (clears throat) I mean, as your boss, I'm happy to help with any... workplace challenges.

Just as the situation is getting more uncomfortable, Bill enters the break room, where Clive is awkwardly standing.

BILL: (dramatically) Ah, a new face in our humble abode of broadcast excellence! And who might this dashing young man be?

STUART: (extending his hand) STUART Roddy. And you are?

BILL: (with grandiose flair) Bill McNeal, the voice that keeps America informed and entertained. You may have heard me on the airwaves, solving the world's problems one mellifluous syllable at a time.

CLIVE: (nodding) I see. Lisa never mentioned you.

BILL: (feigning hurt) Ah, the cruel oversight of memory! But fear not, young Clive, for now you've been graced with my presence, your life shall never be the same!

DAVE: (re-entering with Lisa, in full manager mode) Bill, shouldn't you be preparing for your next segment?

BILL: (grinning) Oh, David, you wound me! I'm merely welcoming our guest. The news can wait; hospitality cannot!

LISA: (whispering to Dave) We need to get him out of here before this gets any weirder.

DAVE: (whispering back) Agreed. I'll handle this. (To Bill) Bill, I need you to focus on that breaking story about... the thing.

BILL: (intrigued) The thing? Oh, you mean THE thing! Yes, of course, how could I forget? (to Clive) Duty calls, my good man. The public needs me!

Bill exits dramatically.

STUART: (nervous smile) Well, he's... quite a character.

LISA: (quickly) Oh yes, that's our Bill. Always... on.

DAVE: (attempting to wrap things up) Well, Stu, it's been great catching up, but I'm sure you have lots of places to see.

STUART: (realizing he's being pushed out) Yes, I suppose I do. (stands up to leave) Well, it was nice seeing you again, Lisa. And Dave, congratulations. You're a lucky man.

DAVE: (nervously laughing) Thank you, Sty. Take care.

LISA: (relieved) Bye, Stu.

Clive exits the break room, leaving Dave and Lisa behind.

LISA: (sighs heavily) Well, that was... something.

DAVE: (teasing) So, darling, what's for dinner tonight?

LISA: (playfully hits Dave on the arm) Don't push it, Nelson. I might just tell Bill about our "honeymoon."

DAVE: (mock horror) You wouldn't dare!

They both laugh, relieved that the awkward situation is over.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE (Time: 9:24)

ACT TWO

Scene Four - WNYX Break Room

The situation continues in the break room.

BILL: Six months, huh? Practically newlyweds.

LISA: Yes, we’re still in that honeymoon stage. (she gives Dave a quick peck on the cheek) It’s sickening, really.

DAVE: Absolutely revolting. (gives Lisa a teasing kiss back, but she pulls away just as it’s getting good)

BILL: (sarcastically) Well, I should go. I wouldn’t want to interrupt such a passionate moment.

LISA: (playfully) Don’t rush off on our account. We’re just enjoying the company.

DAVE: We wouldn’t mind at all if you stayed for a while.

LISA: (smiling sweetly) Bill, would you mind grabbing us a drink from the kitchen?

BILL: Of course, I’d be delighted. (he exits to the kitchen)

Once Bill is out of the room, Lisa turns to Dave, a bit more serious.

LISA: Dave, I’m really sorry. I just didn’t know how else to get him to back off without hurting his feelings.

DAVE: (understanding) It’s okay, Lisa. I just didn’t expect to be a part of your love triangle today.

LISA: (laughing) It’s not a love triangle, Dave. It’s more like… a really awkward line.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO.

Scene Four - WNYX Break Room

Dave and Lisa are in the break room when Stuart, Lisa's old flame, enters.

STUART: (nervously) Um, hello. Is this where Lisa Miller works?

LISA: (surprised) Stuart! What are you doing here?

DAVE: (confused) Stuart?

LISA: (quickly) Oh, Stuart, this is Dave Nelson, my... (hesitates) husband.

DAVE: (shocked) Husband?!

LISA: (through gritted teeth) Yes, darling. Remember?

DAVE: (catching on) Oh, right! Yes, husband. That's me. Husband Dave.

STUART: (disappointed) Oh, I see. Congratulations, I guess.

Bill bursts into the break room, his usual bombastic self.

BILL: Ah, what's this? A gathering of the plebeians without inviting the station's most valuable asset? For shame!

DAVE: (exasperated) Bill, we're kind of in the middle of something here.

BILL: (ignoring Dave) And who might this wide-eyed wanderer be?

STUART: (extending his hand) Stuart. I'm an old friend of Lisa's.

BILL: (dramatically) Ah, a blast from the past! Well, Stuart, prepare to be dazzled by the dulcet tones of Bill McNeal, the voice that launched a thousand ships... or at least a few dinghies.

LISA: (trying to change the subject) Stuart was just leaving, weren't you, Stuart?

STUART: (confused) But I just got here...

JIMMY: (entering enthusiastically) Hey-ho, everybody! Who's up for a rousing game of "Name That Military Maneuver"?

DAVE: (pinching the bridge of his nose) Jimmy, not now.

JIMMY: (noticing Stuart) Well, hello there! New recruit?

STUART: (bewildered) Recruit?

JIMMY: (slapping Stuart on the back) Don't worry, son. After a few weeks with me, you'll be reciting the Soldier's Creed in your sleep!

LISA: (desperately) Stuart, maybe we should catch up some other time.

CATHERINE: (entering with a mug of coffee) What's all the commotion about? (notices Stuart) Oh, hello. You must be the reason Lisa's been acting strange all day.

DAVE: (trying to maintain control) Okay, everyone. Back to work. Stuart was just leaving.

BILL: (dramatically) But the plot thickens! I sense a story here worthy of my journalistic prowess.

STUART: (confused and overwhelmed) I think I should go...

LISA: (relieved) Yes, that's probably for the best.

JIMMY: (disappointed) Aw, but we haven't even gotten to the part where I explain how to disarm a landmine using only a shoelace and a stick of gum!

DAVE: (firmly) Jimmy, please.

As Stuart leaves, looking bewildered, the rest of the staff crowds around Lisa, demanding explanations.

DAVE: (to Lisa) So... husband?

LISA: (sighing) It's a long story.

BILL: (excitedly) Ooh, I smell a scandal! This is even better than the time I uncovered the great coffee creamer conspiracy of '93!

CATHERINE: (sarcastically) I'm sure it is, Bill.

JIMMY: (oblivious) You know, this reminds me of the time my unit had to pretend to be a traveling circus to infiltrate enemy lines...

DAVE: (exasperated) Alright, everyone. Show's over. Back to work!

As the others reluctantly disperse, Dave gives Lisa a look that says, "You've got some explaining to do."

FADE OUT

Scene - WNYX Break Room

Dave and Lisa enter the break room with Stuart, who's visiting from his new job at another radio station. The situation quickly spirals into chaos.

STUART: (smugly) So, Lisa tells me you're still stuck in the same old job, Dave.

DAVE: (tersely) Yes, Stuart. I'm still the news director here at WNYX.

STUART: (condescendingly) Fascinating. And what about you, Jimmy? Still... whatever it is you do?

JIMMY: (with a mischievous grin) Me? Oh, I'm retired now.

STUART: (skeptically) Really? What did you do?

JIMMY: (looking slyly at Dave and Lisa) I was an astronaut.

This causes Lisa to roll her eyes and Matthew, who has just walked in, to gasp in excitement.

STUART: (disbelieving) You? An astronaut?

JIMMY: Oh yeah! Me and Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin—you know, it was me that gave him his nickname "Buzz." Most people think it's 'cause he flew fast. Not true! He was scared of bees.

MATTHEW: (in awe) Wow, Jimmy! I never knew!

DAVE: (exasperated) Matthew, he's not—

Suddenly, Bill bursts into the break room, interrupting Dave.

BILL: (dramatically) Fellow broadcasters and esteemed guest, I bring news of utmost importance!

DAVE: (sighing) What is it now, Bill?

BILL: (with grandiose flair) I have just received word that my latest segment on the mating habits of the North American beaver has been nominated for a Pulitzer!

LISA: (dryly) Bill, there's no Pulitzer for radio.

BILL: (unfazed) Then clearly, they've created a new category just for me!

STUART: (to Lisa) Is he always like this?

LISA: (flatly) No, sometimes he's worse.

Catherine enters, holding a pair of binoculars.

CATHERINE: Dave, here are your stupid binoculars. Are we even now?

DAVE: (panicking) Catherine! I mean... darling!

He awkwardly throws his arms around Catherine and kisses her cheek. She looks bewildered and slightly disgusted.

DAVE: (whispering) Just play along. You're my wife.

CATHERINE: (whispering back) In what universe?

STUART: (amused) Well, their little tiff's over.

DAVE: (nervously) Catherine Nelson, this is Mr. Stuart... uh...

STUART: (extending his hand) Just Stuart is fine. Pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Nelson.

CATHERINE: (sarcastic) Oh, the pleasure's all mine. (to Dave) Honey, can I speak with you for a moment?

Catherine drags Dave out into the hallway.

MATTHEW: (excitedly) So, now you've met the whole WNYX clan!

STUART: (suspiciously) Although, Lisa, I noticed your nameplate still says Miller.

LISA: (quickly) Oh, that's just... because... I haven't had time to change it yet. You know how it is, busy radio producer and all.

JIMMY: (oblivious) I remember the first time I ever drove a moon rover. I nearly rolled it into the Sea of Tranquility.

BILL: (interrupting) Ah, but did you ever broadcast from the moon, Jimmy? I think not! Now there's a challenge worthy of Bill McNeal!

STUART: (to Lisa) So, still working with these... characters, I see.

LISA: (defensively) They may be eccentric, but they're the best in the business.

MATTHEW: (proudly) Yeah, we're like a family here! A weird, dysfunctional family, but still a family!

Dave and Catherine return, both looking slightly frazzled.

DAVE: (forcing a smile) Well, bad news, it seems my lovely wife has to run off; she's got a previous engagement.

JIMMY: Oh, forget about your engagement, Catherine. Stay for dinner!

DAVE: Well, actually...

CATHERINE: (with a mischievous grin) I'd love to.

STUART: Lovely, we can all catch up properly.

CATHERINE: (smirking at Dave) Oh yes, I have so many stories about my dear husband to share.

Lisa looks appalled at Catherine, silently pleading with her eyes to stop.

BILL: (grandly) Fear not, for I shall regale us all with tales of my broadcasting prowess! Stuart, prepare to be amazed!

As the chaos continues to unfold, Dave looks at the camera with his characteristic expression of exasperation, wondering how he'll manage to keep this situation under control.

Scene Five - WNYX Break Room

We resume after an impromptu office pizza party. Jimmy is regaling the group with one of his outlandish tales, much to the chagrin of Dave and Lisa, who can't believe how thick he's laying it on, but Stuart is completely taken in.

JIMMY: So there I was, dangling from the Eiffel Tower by my shoelaces, trying to defuse a bomb with nothing but a ballpoint pen and a stick of chewing gum!

Dave, Lisa, and Matthew all exchange exasperated looks, but Stuart is hanging on every word.

STUART: (amazed) And you saved Paris? Incredible.

JIMMY: Ah, it was just another Tuesday for ol' Jimmy James. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go polish my Medal of Honor.

DAVE: (sarcastically) Don't forget your warm glass of Tang, Mr. James.

STUART: It was an honor meeting you, sir.

JIMMY: Yeah, I had fun too. Don't do anything I wouldn't do! (exits)

Jimmy exits, leaving Dave, Lisa, Matthew, Beth, and Stuart in the break room.

STUART: (to Lisa) You know, I can't get over how different you seem, Lisa. It's like you're a whole new person.

LISA: (nervously) Oh, you know, people change...

BETH: (interrupting) Oh, they certainly do! Why, just last week, Lisa here single-handedly prevented a citywide blackout with her brilliant reporting!

DAVE: (under his breath) Beth, please...

MATTHEW: (overeager) And don't forget about how she rescued that litter of kittens from that burning building!

LISA: (through gritted teeth) Matthew!

STUART: Wow, Lisa. You've really become quite the hero.

BILL: (entering dramatically) Did someone say hero? I believe they were referring to moi!

DAVE: (exasperated) Bill, shouldn't you be preparing for your next segment?

BILL: David, David, David. The news can wait. My adoring public, however, cannot!

BETH: (to Stuart) So, Stuart, what brings you to New York?

STUART: Oh, just passing through. Thought I'd look up some old friends.

BILL: (intrigued) Old friends, you say? Perhaps there's a story here. Stuart, my boy, how would you like to be interviewed by the great Bill McNeal?

LISA: (panicking) That's really not necessary, Bill!

DAVE: (trying to change the subject) Who wants more pizza?

MATTHEW: (excitedly) Ooh, me! Can we get pineapple this time?

Everyone groans at Matthew's suggestion.

STUART: (standing up) Actually, I should probably get going. It's getting late.

LISA: (relieved) Oh, so soon?

BILL: (dramatically) But the night is young! The story is yet untold!

BETH: (sweetly) At least let us walk you out, Stuart.

As they all start to move towards the exit, Catherine enters.

CATHERINE: (dryly) Well, well. What's this? The WNYX circus in full swing?

DAVE: Catherine, perfect timing. This is Stuart, an old friend of Lisa's.

CATHERINE: (raising an eyebrow) Oh really? How... interesting.

STUART: (confused) I'm sorry, but I'm a bit lost. Lisa, are you really married to Dave? And what's all this about rescuing kittens and preventing blackouts?

There's an awkward silence as everyone looks at each other, panic in their eyes.

LISA: (sighing) Stuart, I... we... it's complicated.

BILL: (excitedly) Aha! The plot thickens! This is even better than the time I uncovered the great coffee creamer conspiracy of '93!

DAVE: (firmly) Bill, not now.

STUART: (shaking his head) You know what? I don't think I want to know. Lisa, it was... interesting seeing you again. Everyone else, it was... an experience.

Stuart leaves, looking bewildered. There's a moment of silence before everyone starts talking at once.

LISA: Well, that could have gone better.

DAVE: (sarcastically) You think?

MATTHEW: (genuinely confused) So... no pineapple pizza?

CATHERINE: (smirking) Well, this has been entertaining. I can't wait to see what you all come up with for tomorrow's show.

BILL: (dramatically) Fear not, for Bill McNeal shall weave this tangled web into radio gold!

DAVE: (exasperated) Alright, everyone. Show's over. Back to work!

As everyone disperses, Lisa gives Dave a look that says, "We need to talk." Dave just sighs, wondering how he's going to explain this mess to Mr. James.