Sam Vankin's Theory

Understanding the narcissist's complex relationship with their partner requires delving into deep psychological processes that are both intriguing and disconcerting. In this exploration, we will examine the three phases of the narcissist's journey: Idealization, Dual Mothership, and Mental Discord. These phases form a pathway that uncovers the narcissist's need for ownership, their yearning for motherly love, their inability to individuate, and ultimately their fear and injury in discarding their object of affection.

Phase 1: Idealization

At the heart of the narcissist's relationship lies the phenomenon of idealization. Upon encountering a potential intimate partner, the narcissist takes a mental snapshot of that person, idealizes it, and creates an internalized image or "introject." This perfect object becomes an extension of the narcissist, an integral part of their brain.

This snapshot is not merely an observation but a claim of ownership. By idealizing the object, the narcissist internalizes it, merges with it, and possesses it. In essence, they own a completely good and perfect object – the partner's avatar or snapshot, with which they interact, leaving the real person increasingly irrelevant.

Phase 2: Dual Mothership

In the second phase, the narcissist's relationship with their original mother surfaces in an intricate dance called the Dual Mothership. Here, the narcissist is both yearning for a maternal figure and attempting to become one for their partner.

Despite the original mother possibly being emotionally "dead" - absent, selfish, narcissistic, and even abusive - the narcissist seeks to reenact this relationship. The inability to separate from this not-good-enough mother leads to a perpetual loop where the narcissist is stuck, unable to grow or individuate.

The partner now becomes a new mother, a chance for the narcissist to complete an incomplete process from childhood, settle the accounts, and perhaps grow up. But this desire to separate, the need to reenact a separation, leads to the third phase.

Phase 3: Mental Discord

The third phase is characterized by mental discord, the need to separate from the partner by discarding them mentally. The minute the narcissist begins this separation in their mind, two powerful effects emerge: abandonment anxiety and narcissistic injury.

The fear of losing the partner, combined with the realization that their judgment of the partner was wrong, creates a serious narcissistic injury. The very act of needing to get rid of the partner implies an error of judgment, shattering the narcissist's self-image of being omniscient or godlike.

A Perpetual Loop of Love and Loss

The narcissist's journey is a continuous cycle of idealization, seeking maternal connection, and then the mental discord that leads to separation. The entanglement with the original mother's image, the creation of an idealized avatar of the partner, the fear of abandonment, and the wounding injury of having to discard the partner are all part of this complex dance.

Understanding these processes sheds light on the often bewildering behavior of narcissists in relationships. It highlights their deep-seated fears, unmet needs, and the subconscious mechanisms that drive their actions.

In recognizing these patterns, there is an opportunity for empathy and insight. But it also presents a cautionary tale for those entangled in the narcissist's maternal gaze, where love, ownership, and idealization can swiftly turn into a desire for separation and a painful realization of being discarded.

By probing these phases, we not only comprehend the intricate psyche of the narcissist but also gain a window into the universal human yearnings for connection, acknowledgment, and ultimately, the difficult journey towards self-actualization and growth.

The phase of idealization struck a particular chord with me. During the initial stages of our relationship, my partner seemed to see something extraordinary in me, something that even I had not recognized. It was flattering and addictive, but over time I started to realize that the image they had constructed had nothing to do with who I genuinely am. It was a snapshot, a perfect avatar, an illusion.

Dual Mothership: A Confusing Dance

The concept of Dual Mothership opened my eyes to the complex dynamics that have been playing out in our relationship. It helped me understand my partner's constant need for maternal validation and the pressure I felt to provide that maternal figure for them. Simultaneously, their attempts to mother me left me feeling both cared for and smothered. The connection to their relationship with their own mother, as described in the article, provided a new lens through which to view these dynamics.

Mental Discord: A Painful Separation

The third phase, mental discord, was painful to read about, as it reflected the painful reality of our relationship's unraveling. The abandonment anxiety and the narcissistic injury described are emotions I've witnessed firsthand. The process of mental separation, the discarding, and the error of judgment, all of it.